He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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