So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
