Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
