you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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