there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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