I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
