tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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