I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
