I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
