so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
