News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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