Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
