Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
