I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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