Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
