i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize