She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
