so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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