were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
