i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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