So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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