Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
