Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
