need another drink. this is the easiest way
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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