Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
