I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
