You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
