i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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