Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize