Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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