Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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