You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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