that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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