I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
