You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
