she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
