I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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