i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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