ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
