I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
