I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize