my phone needs a breathalizer
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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