I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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