I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize