He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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