I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
