I am spending my child support on dildos
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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