hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize