i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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