life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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