insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
