it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
