I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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