it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
sarcasm needs its own font
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
