I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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