And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
